2/2/12
4/1/11
neat
the date is getting closer....i am now officially one month away from meeting this coiled up little "giant" growing in my belly. there isn't a moment in my day that goes by without me asking myself: "how will this go with another person around...?"
i'm savoring every moment of quality time with avery. last night i put him to sleep because matt was at the shop working late. matt puts him to bed almost every night and sings his songs and i get to lay there in bed, envisioning nursing my other baby to sleep. to the gentle singing of their father singing in the next room.
but last night i got to experience the magic that is watching him drifting slowly off to sleep. i got to sing. i love singing. i don't do it enough. i closed my eyes and sang with all my heart. i sang the 4 goodnight songs with all the love i had. silent night, jingle bells, spoon full of sugar, and twinkle twinkle little star. weird choices. i know. you'll have to ask matt about that. these have been the four songs for about 10 months now.
but as i sang twinkle twinkle i just had the urge to kiss him all over his head, his face, his neck. i kissed in between each word and phrase. and i thought to myself, "someday he won't let me do this, perhaps someday very soon...." and just when i felt the tears welling up in my eyes and i reached the last "how i wonder what you are" he whispered softly,
"well, that was a neat way to do it mama."
i think i will be putting him to bed for the rest of the month.
i'm savoring every moment of quality time with avery. last night i put him to sleep because matt was at the shop working late. matt puts him to bed almost every night and sings his songs and i get to lay there in bed, envisioning nursing my other baby to sleep. to the gentle singing of their father singing in the next room.
but last night i got to experience the magic that is watching him drifting slowly off to sleep. i got to sing. i love singing. i don't do it enough. i closed my eyes and sang with all my heart. i sang the 4 goodnight songs with all the love i had. silent night, jingle bells, spoon full of sugar, and twinkle twinkle little star. weird choices. i know. you'll have to ask matt about that. these have been the four songs for about 10 months now.
but as i sang twinkle twinkle i just had the urge to kiss him all over his head, his face, his neck. i kissed in between each word and phrase. and i thought to myself, "someday he won't let me do this, perhaps someday very soon...." and just when i felt the tears welling up in my eyes and i reached the last "how i wonder what you are" he whispered softly,
"well, that was a neat way to do it mama."
i think i will be putting him to bed for the rest of the month.
3/10/11
1/29/11
grasping or remembering?
i find myself grasping. wanting to hold on to this life of just the three of us a little bit longer. i keep thinking, we are just now figuring out how to manage parenting one child, now there will be 2?!?!?!
three months is not long my friends.
i want desperately to remember each and every detail of what we have learned from eachother thus far. and there has been a lot learned. he is my teacher. but i am not good about posting photos, events, thoughts of our day to day life. i wish i could be soulemama. sigh. who doesn't? but alas. i am not.
as his student, i guess i have just been trying to live it. be in the moment. savoring the tastes, smells, sensations of this life. this beautiful, full life we have created for ourselves. but do you know what? sometimes it's almost harder to tolerate the insane exctasy of loving.
we are put on earth a little space, That we may learn to bear the beams of love. William Blake, Songs of Innocence
sometimes i feel like that. like my job is to learn how to bear the beams love. how could love possibly be hard to bear? because i have never really known love before. i am learning. learning to bear love. and love does not need to grasp. so, here i go. entering a world where all i have is all i need. and upon reflection, it's a lot.
i feel like i gain so much from getting a little window into other peoples' exsistences, and sort of selfish that i have not kept up my end of the bargain. so, while i still have some time on my hands i want to catch you all up to speed on the past year of our life. a month at a time. it will help me both remember and let go..
three months is not long my friends.
i want desperately to remember each and every detail of what we have learned from eachother thus far. and there has been a lot learned. he is my teacher. but i am not good about posting photos, events, thoughts of our day to day life. i wish i could be soulemama. sigh. who doesn't? but alas. i am not.
as his student, i guess i have just been trying to live it. be in the moment. savoring the tastes, smells, sensations of this life. this beautiful, full life we have created for ourselves. but do you know what? sometimes it's almost harder to tolerate the insane exctasy of loving.
we are put on earth a little space, That we may learn to bear the beams of love. William Blake, Songs of Innocence
sometimes i feel like that. like my job is to learn how to bear the beams love. how could love possibly be hard to bear? because i have never really known love before. i am learning. learning to bear love. and love does not need to grasp. so, here i go. entering a world where all i have is all i need. and upon reflection, it's a lot.
i feel like i gain so much from getting a little window into other peoples' exsistences, and sort of selfish that i have not kept up my end of the bargain. so, while i still have some time on my hands i want to catch you all up to speed on the past year of our life. a month at a time. it will help me both remember and let go..
November
the biggest news: first visit from midwife Rachel. the baby was too busy flipping to let us hear the actual heart beat.
October
pumpkins of course. we had 11 pie pumpkins on the boulevard and 3 BIG jack-o-lanterns. we carved one. avery couldn't bear to "cut his apart" so he drew a face on his. and he moved into his big boy bed. courtesy of his old man.
p.s. the wrist band are not a fashion statement, they are anti-nausea bands courtesy of morning sickness.
p.s. the wrist band are not a fashion statement, they are anti-nausea bands courtesy of morning sickness.
September
one word defines september in minnesota: tomatoes! a pretty good crop this year as you can see. and our first trip to seed savers exchange for the annual tomato-tasting. exciting.
August
august was full, full indeed. conceiving a babe. holding the full moon at blue mound state park. smoking a peace pipe with paige (sorry baby). we prayed to mother earth: "please take pity on us, help me, help me" sunflowers higher than our heads. watermelon. pumpkin patches. cicadas. holding on to summer....
July
july made us smile! july was spent at the pool. and at the farm, growing flowers and doing weddings. oh, and eating amazing home-grown food.
April
the smell of lily of the valley filled every room of the house. baby kate was born! avery turned 3 and the bleeding hearts danced in the breeze.
12/15/10
nyc in 72 hours
there is nothing i can say about nyc that would even begin to express the vibrancy of the city. so here is a quick 72 hour rundown. links and all.
arrive at jfk airport at 8:00 pm Thursday evening. take a taxi into manhattan. get dropped off in the west village at the jane. our hotel for the next 3 nights. it is nestled right along the Hudson river. survivors of the Titanic stayed here. it is designed to be like a ship, each room it's own little cabin.
weary from traveling, we decide to order room service. my favorite is matt's response when i suggest it....."so you just call, and then you order.....and then they bring it to your room?" uh, yeah, that's room service. but not just any room service, cafe gitane room service. unreal. maybe my best meal ever. then we slipped into bed for the night. only the club downstairs was thumping till dawn. hmmmmm may need to rethink our room choice.
friday morning begins with a coffee and croissants at a little no name cafe. fueled up, we are ready for my pilgrimage to perry street past carrie bradshaw's apt. no, i did not make a video like this crazy woman (some fans are so nuts). but hell yeah i took a picture. 20 blocks later, we walk through greenwich village, through washington square, past at least a dozen starbucks, then into soho for some window shopping. p.s. we saw a movie being filmed, the madeoff son killed himself that day and another murder happened in a soho loft. all in a day in soho. ate malaysian. had another coffee. walked our tired butts back to the west village to get ready for our evening out on the town.
after a quick "freshen up" we walk another several blocks to the metro stop. one seriously insane rush hour ride in the subway train and we are transported to the upper west side. we enter an alternative universe called lincoln center to see the nyc ballet and george ballanchine's rendition of the nutcracker. incredible. once in a lifetime. tired but floating we make our way back to the jane. did we mention the club right below us? by midnight when we arrived back at the jane, the club was just getting started. a soak in a luxuriously deep marble tub makes me forget about the noise. at least while the water is running. must change rooms.
saturday morning is 50 and sunny! a walk on the amazing highline. a fully relandscaped and redesigned use of an old elevated railway line. the highline leads right into the meatpacking district and chelsea, which of course is the perfect place to brunch. we seek out the park and are NOT disappointed. wow. but $6 for an orange juice, that's reasonable. then i ordered the mimosa for $10. after that, back to the highline for a free outdoor christmas concert by the nyc gay men's chorus. we sang our hearts out! gives new meaning to "don we now our gay apparel."
fast forward 1 hour. still walking, we stubble across billy's bakery and have the most amazing cupcakes. the buttercream frosting must have been at least and inch and a half tall. another subway ride finds us in midtown and in a completely different world. we came to see the rockefeller center and the tree. but what were we thinking?! 5th avenue around christmas is madness. we came, we saw, we got the hell out of there. insanity. so we take refuge in central park. it is dusk and we grab a pretzel to share, glad also to also share a disdain for crowds. the park is beautiful at dusk. matt takes the longest pee ever behind an old stone wall in central park (hilarious video footage, ask me i'll show you sometime). we see a woman get proposed to in front of the famous fountain. we walk past the pond, the boat house, and through the ramble. we walk from the east side to the west side and find ourselves once again back at the jane ready to collapse after 50 plus blocks of walking. p.s. we had remembered to switch rooms earlier that day. but no joke, the room was 90 degrees. we had to the turn the air conditioner on! at least that drowned out the noise of the hudson parkway below.
sunday morning brings the rain. the blizzard in mn gave way to heavy rains in manhattan. we dash to the drugstore (with all our belongings in our backpacks) to pick up an umbrella. then grab bagels to go. we each buy 2, saving the second for later in the day. later came 5 minutes after we finished the first one. those are some damn good bagels. eating bagels on a subway heading uptown makes you feel very new york. unfortunately i don't think we look very new york at all. we plan to spend the day at the museum of modern art and the guggenheim. moma is amazing. several hours still wasn't enough to really take it all in. i know it's cliche by i LOVE monet. sitting in front of the waterlillies brought tears to my eyes. while i dried my eyes, miraculously the rains stopped. again, with backpacks strapped, we walked 30 blocks through central park to the upper east side and into the guggenheim. another amazing exhibit. still, i sometimes find myself thinking......"i don't get it." call me simple, but pastel landscapes really do it for me. speaking of landscapes, it is dark when we emerge from the amazing wright spiral and so we begin again to walk.
by this time, my swollen belly and streched pelvis have begun to shout: dare i say it? "stop all this f$%#ing walking and hail a cab already" and so we do. we hail a $50 cab back to jfk. only to find our flight has been delayed. damn, if only we'd had him drop us at the brooklyn bridge then we would have seen it all.....
but i guess there is only so much you can do in 72 hours.
arrive at jfk airport at 8:00 pm Thursday evening. take a taxi into manhattan. get dropped off in the west village at the jane. our hotel for the next 3 nights. it is nestled right along the Hudson river. survivors of the Titanic stayed here. it is designed to be like a ship, each room it's own little cabin.
weary from traveling, we decide to order room service. my favorite is matt's response when i suggest it....."so you just call, and then you order.....and then they bring it to your room?" uh, yeah, that's room service. but not just any room service, cafe gitane room service. unreal. maybe my best meal ever. then we slipped into bed for the night. only the club downstairs was thumping till dawn. hmmmmm may need to rethink our room choice.
friday morning begins with a coffee and croissants at a little no name cafe. fueled up, we are ready for my pilgrimage to perry street past carrie bradshaw's apt. no, i did not make a video like this crazy woman (some fans are so nuts). but hell yeah i took a picture. 20 blocks later, we walk through greenwich village, through washington square, past at least a dozen starbucks, then into soho for some window shopping. p.s. we saw a movie being filmed, the madeoff son killed himself that day and another murder happened in a soho loft. all in a day in soho. ate malaysian. had another coffee. walked our tired butts back to the west village to get ready for our evening out on the town.
after a quick "freshen up" we walk another several blocks to the metro stop. one seriously insane rush hour ride in the subway train and we are transported to the upper west side. we enter an alternative universe called lincoln center to see the nyc ballet and george ballanchine's rendition of the nutcracker. incredible. once in a lifetime. tired but floating we make our way back to the jane. did we mention the club right below us? by midnight when we arrived back at the jane, the club was just getting started. a soak in a luxuriously deep marble tub makes me forget about the noise. at least while the water is running. must change rooms.
saturday morning is 50 and sunny! a walk on the amazing highline. a fully relandscaped and redesigned use of an old elevated railway line. the highline leads right into the meatpacking district and chelsea, which of course is the perfect place to brunch. we seek out the park and are NOT disappointed. wow. but $6 for an orange juice, that's reasonable. then i ordered the mimosa for $10. after that, back to the highline for a free outdoor christmas concert by the nyc gay men's chorus. we sang our hearts out! gives new meaning to "don we now our gay apparel."
fast forward 1 hour. still walking, we stubble across billy's bakery and have the most amazing cupcakes. the buttercream frosting must have been at least and inch and a half tall. another subway ride finds us in midtown and in a completely different world. we came to see the rockefeller center and the tree. but what were we thinking?! 5th avenue around christmas is madness. we came, we saw, we got the hell out of there. insanity. so we take refuge in central park. it is dusk and we grab a pretzel to share, glad also to also share a disdain for crowds. the park is beautiful at dusk. matt takes the longest pee ever behind an old stone wall in central park (hilarious video footage, ask me i'll show you sometime). we see a woman get proposed to in front of the famous fountain. we walk past the pond, the boat house, and through the ramble. we walk from the east side to the west side and find ourselves once again back at the jane ready to collapse after 50 plus blocks of walking. p.s. we had remembered to switch rooms earlier that day. but no joke, the room was 90 degrees. we had to the turn the air conditioner on! at least that drowned out the noise of the hudson parkway below.
sunday morning brings the rain. the blizzard in mn gave way to heavy rains in manhattan. we dash to the drugstore (with all our belongings in our backpacks) to pick up an umbrella. then grab bagels to go. we each buy 2, saving the second for later in the day. later came 5 minutes after we finished the first one. those are some damn good bagels. eating bagels on a subway heading uptown makes you feel very new york. unfortunately i don't think we look very new york at all. we plan to spend the day at the museum of modern art and the guggenheim. moma is amazing. several hours still wasn't enough to really take it all in. i know it's cliche by i LOVE monet. sitting in front of the waterlillies brought tears to my eyes. while i dried my eyes, miraculously the rains stopped. again, with backpacks strapped, we walked 30 blocks through central park to the upper east side and into the guggenheim. another amazing exhibit. still, i sometimes find myself thinking......"i don't get it." call me simple, but pastel landscapes really do it for me. speaking of landscapes, it is dark when we emerge from the amazing wright spiral and so we begin again to walk.
by this time, my swollen belly and streched pelvis have begun to shout: dare i say it? "stop all this f$%#ing walking and hail a cab already" and so we do. we hail a $50 cab back to jfk. only to find our flight has been delayed. damn, if only we'd had him drop us at the brooklyn bridge then we would have seen it all.....
but i guess there is only so much you can do in 72 hours.
11/24/10
saved
the pumpkin pie is baking and i forget for a moment about reality. it smells good, pure, wholesome. the pumpkin we grew together this summer out on the boulevard. the pumpkins that made people stop, look. we took such delight in watching them out our picture-perfect window. we giggled as they stood to contemplate the orange orbs. had they never seen a pumpkin before? then usually their dog took a big crap or dug up some of my plants. damn dogs. anyway, where was i? oh yes, the pie.
it smells amazing. what if you knew you would not live to eat another pumpkin pie from scratch? i know that her time isn't long. she has the breathing of a fish out of water as her lungs fill with fluid. she won't last through the night. thanksgiving without your mother. how will that feel? i guess a lot like it feels now.
this will be the 4th to die in one week. sometimes i can't stand it. sometimes i curse cancer and go out to the prairie and scream. sometimes it's just too much. the 84 year old saving her tears in a film canister. her husband of 63 years. gone. the tears of a 7 year old hit the quilt on her parents (scratch that, father's) bed. her tiny tears make the sound of a thousand fire hydrants exploding.
i wonder if i need to be saved. where will i go when i die? last week i listened to the story of his salvation. "she saved me" he said. "she showed me how to love Jesus." his wife, less than 90 pounds lay beside him in the double bed they have shared for 57 years. the morning sun comes through the lace curtains. the wallpaper peeling. the smell of the dog. damn dog. it tries to lick my hands. i wish i could push it away, but i am trying to be polite. he sobs over her withering body. they kiss and cry in eachothers arms. i feel like i should look away. but i am hoping they can save me.
but they can't. it's up to me. it's always only been up to me. i guess i still don't know what the hell i'm doing. each day i am getting a little closer to figuring it out. i just hope i die with poetry in my head and love in my heart. and perhaps some good pie in my belly......
it smells amazing. what if you knew you would not live to eat another pumpkin pie from scratch? i know that her time isn't long. she has the breathing of a fish out of water as her lungs fill with fluid. she won't last through the night. thanksgiving without your mother. how will that feel? i guess a lot like it feels now.
this will be the 4th to die in one week. sometimes i can't stand it. sometimes i curse cancer and go out to the prairie and scream. sometimes it's just too much. the 84 year old saving her tears in a film canister. her husband of 63 years. gone. the tears of a 7 year old hit the quilt on her parents (scratch that, father's) bed. her tiny tears make the sound of a thousand fire hydrants exploding.
i wonder if i need to be saved. where will i go when i die? last week i listened to the story of his salvation. "she saved me" he said. "she showed me how to love Jesus." his wife, less than 90 pounds lay beside him in the double bed they have shared for 57 years. the morning sun comes through the lace curtains. the wallpaper peeling. the smell of the dog. damn dog. it tries to lick my hands. i wish i could push it away, but i am trying to be polite. he sobs over her withering body. they kiss and cry in eachothers arms. i feel like i should look away. but i am hoping they can save me.
but they can't. it's up to me. it's always only been up to me. i guess i still don't know what the hell i'm doing. each day i am getting a little closer to figuring it out. i just hope i die with poetry in my head and love in my heart. and perhaps some good pie in my belly......
10/25/10
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