ultimate sacrifice

i couldn't help but write about the wise words of friends after my last post. not only did people comment on my blog, but my beautiful friends who are mothers called, emailed and even sent notes. a dear friend from oregon wrote to my question: "Is this what life is going to be like from here on out?" Answer: Yes. And no. Ultimate sacrifice meets unbelievable joy. Loss of freedom meets incredible peace. Tears meet laughter. Welcome to motherhood, Amanda.

i cried. i guess these hormones and emotinality also come along with motherhood. i cry a lot these days. sometimes my new found pregnancy giggle becomes so out of control that i begin to cry. and sometimes when i look at matt and think about him holding our baby i begin to cry. and yesterday, on Easter Sunday, i cried in church. right there, while singing "amazing love."

love is amazing. but it is a sacrifce. and then i got to thinking about the "ultimate sacrifice." you know the one. God sending her only son to die for my sins. and i don't even know if i believe in all that. but for some reason yesterday i began to wonder what it would be like if i did believe. with all my heart and all my soul. i closed my eyes and i thought of Jesus on the cross and for the first time understood in a whole new way how Mary must have felt. the sacrifice she made. in the name of love.

but when i'm in church i always wonder why we bow our heads in prayer. why don't we look up? i found myself in a room full of people looking down while i raised my head to meet a ray of sunshine that came right down to greet me as i prayed. mostly i feel unusual or different in times like these. like somehow everyone around me knows i haven't truely given myself over. have not accepted Jesus as my savior. but we all need salvation. we all need to believe.
but in what?

lately, with this life growing inside of me, i find myself closer and closer to figuring this out. and by "this" i mean life. i believe it is all about love. and for the first time in my entire 29 years of life i am finally experiencing unbelievable joy! do you know what that feels like?! so don't worry about me. i may be making the ultimate sacrifice, but i believe, with all my heart and all my soul that it will make way for even more unbelievable joy and love. amen!