addicted to love

i just had the most fantastic night. i actually went to a movie! I haven't seen a movie in the theater since we lived in st. paul one summer night and walked to the grandview. that was 5 years ago. and i believe i may have been drunk. yes, you may think that absurd. but i don't like movies. ok, i don't like MOST movies, or maybe they just disturb me too much. well this movie was disturbing, but in a good way. do you know what i mean? this movie shook me to the core. check out the link and watch the preview and you'll know what i mean.

birth has been on my mind so much lately. yesterday was matt's birthday and i thought of his mom, braving the cold and the long road from the farm into town where he came into he world. 32 years ago. i'm also thinking about avery's birth, and the beauty that it was. i'm thinking about rachel, the woman who was there to witness, to assist. and my sister, the first to arrive. i'm thinking about the ecstasy of birthing him. ahhhh avery.

and i'm thinking about my new friend anne from Norway who went with me to the movie last night. we drove up to the city and we had tea and talked like we'd known eachother for years. she's expecting her first baby in a few months. but is sad she won't give birth in Norway, where any kind of birth is paid for. where she would have received 45 weeks PAID maternity leave. fully paid, not just half-ass paid. "i am so curious at how your country treats women" she tells me. me too.

but none of that matters today. because i'm entering a brave new world. i'm going to stop noticing the injustices so much. there was so much to be outraged by in the film. the way women have been taught to fear birth. to fear their bodies. to fear their babies! but there was also so much to be excited about. so many beautiful births. and the commentary that a natural birth releases hormones that make a woman literally "addicted to loving her baby." but i'm not going to think about a world where that "love cocktail" gets disrupted. no, i'm just going to notice the courage, the joy, and the beauty (thanks paige) that IS POSSIBLE. so, it's a birth of my own i guess.

and then, as i began to imagine a world where ALL people were addicted to love and wonder how i could be a part of that.... something wonderful happened.....i was invited to attend my first birth! i am so honored. i am so in awe. the universe does listen. birth is where my new work lies. and it feels like the only place to start. birth. the ultimate beginning.

sweet memories....


9 + 10 = 19

avery is 9 months old today. and i'm feeling the need to reflect. he has now been outside of me, growing independently (well sort of independently) of me for almost as long as he was completely wrapped up inside my being. for roughly 10 months he waited, knees curled to chin, to be unfurled into this life. his life. no longer my life, containing his. 9 months old plus 10 months in utero and today is the 19th. funny how that adds up.

there is this blog, you probably arleady know this, but it's called dooce. i know my blog will never be like her blog, but that is the beauty of blogs right?! well, one of the things i love about her blog is that she writes her daughter a letter every month. and for those of you mothers out there, you can just imagine the dedication it takes to do such a thing. anyway, i wrote avery a letter once, before he was born. when i had time to sit down and write. a real letter. but i haven't written one since. so, i'm going to take this opportunity to change that. it's ok that it's not my ninth letter to him (who am i kidding, i'm not dooce). but it is a start. so here goes. my first letter to my boy-avery david:


oh ave dave!

you are such a big boy. 9 months has passed in the blink of an eye.

things you love right now: crawling. pulling yourself up on everything. clapping and squealing while i dance around you. tofu! listening to music. (yesterday you even turned the radio on by yourself and began clapping!) nursing. playing peek-a-boo. reading books. "talking" to your stuffed animals. long hot baths (which you get from me). eating all kinds of food (which you get from your papa). your cousins, and your grandma and grandpa. watching the birdies at the bird feeder (i think that comes from your great-grandpa avery). playing rough house on the big bed. riding your new trike. playing with your buddies. going for walks in the arb in the backpack. being pulled in your new sled. i could go on and on. you seem to love just about everything. oh avery, if only i could learn how to love everything. how are you so happy? it is what i love most about you-your happiness. but it's not the only thing...

some other things i love right now: your smile. your giggle. your hair, all beautiful, blond and curly. your smell which is part sweaty boy, part sweetness. your fat little ankles and wrists. nursing you. your curiosity. your kisses (interesting since you now have two bottom teeth!) your socialness. your sensitive side. your soft skin. your little kissable neck. your blue eyes. the sounds you make when you wake up. the way you rub your eyes and stretch when you're tired. your new found voice, so many new sounds. most importantly when it sounds like "mama." i love so many things about you, but mostly it's just the joy you bring to each day we're together. oh, an did i mention your smile?

the best part is, you never seem to tire of ME. little old me. i am humbled by your love for me. every time i walk into the room you suck in some air and get so excited as if you're seeing me for the first time in your life. and that smile. oh my god, that smile. it melts me to the core. what a feeling to know that i take your breath away. not just sometimes. but EVERY SINGLE TIME you see me.

oh ave, if you only knew that you take my breathe away too. in so many ways. i look forward to many more breathless days.




the end, the beginning

well, it's official. the end of the christmas season. it has always been a tradition to leave up the tree until after my birthday. january 11. of course it was much easier for me this year with our little tree. my dad's tree is another story altogether. no on can put that much time into a tree and not leave it up until the middle of spring now can they!? today i took down all the christmas cards, and the credenzas seem so bare. what used to go there? a question i am asking myself a lot lately. before avery came into my life, what used to go there? and if mid january signifies the end of christmas, doesn't it also mean the beginning of a new season?


i've never been one

i've never been one to let matt forget anything. so, in keeping with my usual antics i thought i would take this opportunity to remind him (and the world) of what HE was doing on HIS 30th birthday....

a leisurely coffee after
an uninterrupted 12 hours of sleep.

the best surfing spot on maui, just north of paia, where we watched all morning.

being caught in a rainstorm while hiking through a bamboo forest.

and finally, the best spring rolls on the face of the earth for dinner.

now, i've never been one to be jealous either. but, for the record: my 30th birthday does not involve ANY of these things.



photos of avery by jake ingman

once there, click on the photos at right to view more......wow!
jake you truely are a man of many talents!


marian lucille

died on friday, december 28th, just before midnight.

when i whispered goodbye into her ear, she swiftly replied,

"twelve o'clock."

but when i left her bedside that evening i knew it wouldn't be long.

the clock struck eleven, her eyes flew open and welled up with tears.

it was almost time.

with my dad holding her hand, she died just as swiftly as she had replied to me...

twelve o'clock.