grasping or remembering?

i find myself grasping. wanting to hold on to this life of just the three of us a little bit longer. i keep thinking, we are just now figuring out how to manage parenting one child, now there will be 2?!?!?!
three months is not long my friends.

i want desperately to remember each and every detail of what we have learned from eachother thus far. and there has been a lot learned. he is my teacher. but i am not good about posting photos, events, thoughts of our day to day life. i wish i could be soulemama. sigh. who doesn't? but alas. i am not.

as his student, i guess i have just been trying to live it. be in the moment. savoring the tastes, smells, sensations of this life. this beautiful, full life we have created for ourselves. but do you know what? sometimes it's almost harder to tolerate the insane exctasy of loving.

we are put on earth a little space, That we may learn to bear the beams of love. William Blake, Songs of Innocence

sometimes i feel like that. like my job is to learn how to bear the beams love. how could love possibly be hard to bear? because i have never really known love before. i am learning. learning to bear love. and love does not need to grasp. so, here i go. entering a world where all i have is all i need. and upon reflection, it's a lot.

i feel like i gain so much from getting a little window into other peoples' exsistences, and sort of selfish that i have not kept up my end of the bargain. so, while i still have some time on my hands i want to catch you all up to speed on the past year of our life. a month at a time. it will help me both remember and let go..


paige DeWees said...

thanks for this amanda! i'm reading!

Betsy said...

Congratulations, Amanda! two means: more living, less recording for sure. But it also means letting more go, in a really, really good way. Thinking of you and your growing fam...

keo boun pheng said...

i know what you are going through. i went through the same sort of feelings towards the end of my pregnacy - actually, a week before i gave birth. i am glad that you have given yourself more time to live through the letting go! looking back, that step was HUGE for me....so important for what came after.... you are FULL of love, amanda, and there are so many who love you. you are going to be an amazing mother of two!