i grasp her cold hand and whisper, "i'm not ready for you to go..."
her eyelids flutter open. i notice for the first time that i have her nailbeds. it's funny the things you never notice. the things that connect us. so many things have come from her, my nailbeds are just a silly detail in the legacy she will leave behind.
the matriarch of my family is dying. and i'm not ready.
"oh deary," she scolds me, "you must be ready." and she is. then she shares with me the metaphor that she is counting on. "i believe god walks through his garden everyday and picks the flowers that he wants to take." i hate the thought, of god picking her, but cannot do anything but love the metaphor and the woman in front of me.
i have no such metaphor. and right now i need more than a metaphor, i am praying for a miracle.
i've been praying a lot. which isn't like me. but i'm lost and alone and tired. i'm tired of being self-sufficient and strong. tired of being the one who doesn't need help. who doesn't even think she needs god for godsake!
so the other day, on the way to visit my dying grandmother, I did something i've never done before. i actually let someone take care of me. i let the nice man under my hood to check my fluids. he added two quarts of oil, washer fluid, and anti-freeze. he took care of me, when i couldn't do it alone anymore. i couldn't even check my own fluids. but there is the metaphor, i guess. i'm letting god under my hood. and maybe this modern metaphor is not as beautiful as my grandmother's, but either way you look at it, fluids or flowers, we all need metaphors to live by. to die by.
6 comments:
it is way too late to be up on saturday night and i am already emotional - but your words just put me over the top. my throat hurts from holding back tears.....amanda, you must not put so much burden on your shoulders...women are so strong, but not one of us can do it alone...there are so many here to hold your hand....
beautiful
jake read this to me from his iPhone while we were driving to kato yesterday...we had already stopped at two different gas stations --- one, to get a new windshield wiper and the second, to get windshield wiper fluid....anyway, i can't wait to see you in person and talk about all these things.
thanks for your true Amanda moments, nothing else to be daif but love...
i love it. ' who doesn't need god for godsake!'
you are so funny. i think i'm going to come over sometime and wait on you all day long, you won't be able to lift a finger except to paint your nails and lift the bon bon's into your mouth while you are watching sex and the city.
hey babe, we sure are thinking about you. despite feeling not-strong at the moment, it seems to me you inherited your grandmother's strength as well. miss you.
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