gravity

floating in the water, in this pool where we had intended to give birth, i contemplated the beauty of it all. Avery wasn't born into this water, but today, soaking in the warmth of the sun his mother was reborn. and nothing, not even gravity could have pulled me back down to earth.

pea pod part two

part three.....

part four.....

and he's just getting started.

pea pod

today i told rose ann i'd come out to the farm and help her plant peas. just imagine a little seed entering the earth and becoming this in a few short months....




but i don't think i'll make it out to the farm today. you see, i'm in labor. and yes, i'm blogging about it. just imagine my little pea will be leaving my pod very soon. planted many months ago, it's now ready. wish me and my sweet pea luck...

ultimate sacrifice

i couldn't help but write about the wise words of friends after my last post. not only did people comment on my blog, but my beautiful friends who are mothers called, emailed and even sent notes. a dear friend from oregon wrote to my question: "Is this what life is going to be like from here on out?" Answer: Yes. And no. Ultimate sacrifice meets unbelievable joy. Loss of freedom meets incredible peace. Tears meet laughter. Welcome to motherhood, Amanda.

i cried. i guess these hormones and emotinality also come along with motherhood. i cry a lot these days. sometimes my new found pregnancy giggle becomes so out of control that i begin to cry. and sometimes when i look at matt and think about him holding our baby i begin to cry. and yesterday, on Easter Sunday, i cried in church. right there, while singing "amazing love."

love is amazing. but it is a sacrifce. and then i got to thinking about the "ultimate sacrifice." you know the one. God sending her only son to die for my sins. and i don't even know if i believe in all that. but for some reason yesterday i began to wonder what it would be like if i did believe. with all my heart and all my soul. i closed my eyes and i thought of Jesus on the cross and for the first time understood in a whole new way how Mary must have felt. the sacrifice she made. in the name of love.

but when i'm in church i always wonder why we bow our heads in prayer. why don't we look up? i found myself in a room full of people looking down while i raised my head to meet a ray of sunshine that came right down to greet me as i prayed. mostly i feel unusual or different in times like these. like somehow everyone around me knows i haven't truely given myself over. have not accepted Jesus as my savior. but we all need salvation. we all need to believe.
but in what?

lately, with this life growing inside of me, i find myself closer and closer to figuring this out. and by "this" i mean life. i believe it is all about love. and for the first time in my entire 29 years of life i am finally experiencing unbelievable joy! do you know what that feels like?! so don't worry about me. i may be making the ultimate sacrifice, but i believe, with all my heart and all my soul that it will make way for even more unbelievable joy and love. amen!

slight crisis

there is a slight crisis happening...i am no longer single (going on 6 years now) and i'm soon going to be a mother-shit!
how did this happen?!

the crisis arises out of several events that have happened this week.

day one.

an invitation to take the train to milwaukee to hang out with my girls. "sorry, can't go. may go into labor right there on the hard vinyl seats." get a call from said girl. she wore satin gloves on the train. she met a boy. he was on his way to chicago. he rolled a cigarette just outside of milwaukee. she gets off there. he gets off too, to smoke. she says goodbye, starts to walk away, then sets her suitcase down, turns around and goes back to kiss him. she kisses him on the lips, then turns and walks away. she calls to tell me all the juicy details. she said it was the gloves.

meanwhile....back at the homefront.....i'm checking her back door to make sure it's locked. it is. i walk (correction: waddle) home in the rain.

day two.

get a call from another good friend. i answer excited. "hello!" there's a lot of background noise, but i manage to hear, "meet us at the stardust in 20 minutes." i think. hmmmmm. "did you call the wrong amanda?" i ask. "oh my god......" laughing histarically. "i'm in new york. i'm trying to get a hold of amanda _________. we're out here taking classes at the broadway dance center. we're done for the evening and going out. but anyway, how are you?" "great" i lie. what i'm really thinking is just great, another friend i could be with. you know i used to be a dancer. in a former life. at least it feels that way. i used to fly off to ocean city and new york to dance and perform. i remember those trips. what happened? "well, i really should get a hold of her so she can meet us." "have fun" i lie.

meanwhile....i'm sitting on my couch watching oprah. suddenly she's not that inspiring.

day three.

this time, i make the call to yet another friend. she's going to see

lisa ling

speak. she says she may be able to get another ticket. "can't" I say. i'm driving south on I35, heading to the farm. have to clean the horse barn. some guy is getting a divorce and needs a place to live. she meets lisa and gets her picture taken. she is having the time of her life.

meanwhile....i'm scrubbing shit off the floors and mildew off the walls.

is this what life is going to be like from here on out?! can anyone else see the crisis here?! all i have to say is this baby better be really damn cute.

thin mints

there is nothing thin about me these days. and at the rate i'm burning through the 7 boxes of girl scout cookies i ordered months ago, i'm bound to be even less thin. but dang, do i love those thin mints!

matt prefers the samoas (i did order him a couple of boxes) but the rest are all mine....thin mints.

i love how they crunch and crumble in my mouth. how the waxy chocolate coating doesn't melt in your fingers as you grip them. and the best part is, they come in convenient one-serving sleeves. that's right, i view the long roll of cellophane-wrapped cookies as a single serving. and if you try to tell me otherwise, i might just kill you.

i'm pregnant, hungry, and in LOVE with thin mints.

only 9 weeks until....

1. i can wear pants that zip
2. i can sleep on my stomach
3. i can drink a few (extra) glasses of wine
4. i can do forward fold in yoga class
5. i can put on my socks with ease
6. i can go for a run
7. i can wear a belt
8. i can quit wondering...boy or girl?
9. i can finally meet my baby!

round

one of my favorite photographers talked about her life in a recent PBS special. she is a strong woman who took photographs that changed the world. she was a hippie, a feminist, and a widow (she documented the loss of her lover susan through photographs). she is annie leibovitz, and she recently added the title "mother" to her incredible life story. the photographs she takes of her children are incredible. but her words are as powerful as her images. in talking about becoming a mother she stated, "my world used to be flat, but now it's round."

i understand now annie, my world is definitely becoming ROUND...

13 counts

it's winter solstice. the darkest day of the year. today is also the day the marines involved in the Hadetha scandal were charged with murder. 13 counts.

i'm so confused how men who go to war can be trained to kill, then, are left to navigate the messiness of who is friend and who is foe. after months at war, does everyone become a foe?

civilians are killed everyday in this war. it's ridiculous to believe that ONLY our enemies are being killed. but we don't call that murder. we call that spreading democracy.

does anyone else see how fucked up this is? that men at war are being charged with murder? isn't that the point of war? isn't it a bit righteous of our own governement to punish these men who they say got it wrong, when they got this whole damn war wrong.

a good friend of mine, a solider in iraq, ends every email with this message.

"People sleep peacefully at night because brave men stand ready to do violence on their behalf- George Orwell" i don't sleep peacefully and i don't want ANYONE to do ANY violence on my behalf.

so does that make him my friend or my foe?

a good thing

today is the last harvest at the farm. the zucchine vines are dying back, the broccoli is flowering out, and the cucumbers are slowly coming to an end.

an end.

somehow this ending stirs me. but i'm ready. to be honest, for the first time in my life, i'm ready for winter. maybe i'm tired of the pace of summer, the picking, the weeding, the canning. all of the energy it takes for one to grow their own food. but now, i can slow down. i can curl up on the cold morinings and not have to go out into the wet fields with my buckets and boots.
i can simply heat up the soups i've been storing and i can feel good. good about what lies ahead.

i know that if i lived a hundred years ago, the work would not be over. no, i'd be chopping wood, making bread, maybe even killing the chickens.

but of course it's not a 100 years ago and I'm a vegetarian so that's it. my work here is done. an ending is sometimes a good thing.

one small step

did anyone watch ms. curic become the first female to anchor the national news on tuesday?

i did.

i sang for joy when i heard her open the CBS evening news, the news i grew up on. i almost peed my pants. but at the end of her broadcast, she announced she was not going to come up with her own sign off, her goodbye to her fellow americans. she decided to leave it up to us. we can tell her how we think she should sign off by simply going to CBS.com and typing in what we think ms. curic should say. because obviously she cannot use her own words, her own voice. rather, she left it up to us.

Rather would never have done that. He knew what he wanted to say.

this may be one small step. but it may just be one giant leap backwards for womankind.

no bar code

for those of you HAVEN'T stopped checking my blog....

sorry it's been a few months. it's just that summertime seems to get away from me every year. by the time it's nearly septemeber i finally start to get my summertime groove on. and really summertime and blogging just don't seem to go together the way pepper jelly and cream cheese do. or the way cucumbers and dill meld together to make the most incredible pickles. which brings me to the "meat" of my post.

food.

working on a CSA (community supproted agriculture) farm these past two summers has completely changed the way i view food. recently, i learned that the CSA movement was started in Japan, by housewives who wanted to know where their food was coming from. so they made arrangements with the farmers themseleves. they call this arrangement teikei, or
"food with a farmers face on it."

i understand this translation now. how my energy, my sweat, and my care is in each vegetable i tend to. i understand this more fully everyday. and i realize that this is an important job. feeding 40 families is one of the most rewarding things i have ever done in my life. and to think everyone used to eat this way, live this way.

and then i begin to wonder where it all went wrong, where we lost our way. i wonder why food travels 1,500 miles before we eat it. why we export american grown food, only to import the exact same thing? and why the art of subsistance, of growing food, of preserving food, of putting food by for the winter has been lost?

and i wonder...what would it be like if all our food came with a
farmer's face on it instead of a barcode?

ghosts

it's easy to forget what happened on this island a little more than a year ago when you're an american. it's amazing how we can turn our worries and our hearts off with the flip of a switch. if we decide we've seen too much, we just turn off the TV.

but the people here aren't so lucky. and they haven't forgotten the "big wave" that swept over this tiny crescent of sand. they have stories to tell.

the woman in the massage shop who lost her husband told me her story. she grabbed my wrist and pulled me to her and made a swirling motion with our bodies. it was as if we were tumbling in the sea. two people together. but when the wave receeded she was alone. her husband didn't make it.

or the french man who came to this island one last time to put the images of bodies lined up on the beach out of his mind, forever. he can't seem to forget. the smell, the dead pregnant woman, the lives that ended here. so he came to put those old ghosts to rest. but can any of us put those ghosts to rest?

some thai people won't even come to phi phi island. they think it's full of ghosts. they're right, i can feel them.

truth is, i guess i have some old ghosts of my own.

when the other masseuse told jana that she ran up the mountain to escape the tsunami and said in thai, "on the mountain, thai people and foreigners we all the same, we all cry. everyone was the same up on the mountain" i wondered...where did all the ghosts go?

and are they all the same?

happy birthday amber!

it's my sister's birthday today. i bought a phone card. it doesn't work. i tried another phone. still nothing. another phone. nothing. i'd try every phone on this island if i had to. just to wish her happy birthday and hear her voice.

no refunds, no connections.

that's how i feel tdoay. but yesterday was my day of tears. so i'm not allowed anymore. don't worry though. the sun has soaked them all up. at least for now.

smile, nod, "pants off please"

what i'm about to tell you may shock you. those prone to blushing (paige) may wish to turn away. mom, dad, if this is the first time checking my blog, I apologize. I know this is not the girl you raised me to be.

so, we leave chiang mai today for the south of thailand, where we intend to live out the remainder of our trip lying on the beach, drinking mai tai's and getting massages. in preparation for this i decide i want to get waxed. you know, waxed. so, we go into our favorite massage parlor, where jana and anne both had cute thai boys rub their feet. we like the place. it's nice, neat, smells good.

but still, i am nervous. i've never done this before. jana and anne coach me, tell me it only hurts for a second. they tell me they'll be down the street at a cafe. I grab jana's arm. "make sure it's a woman" i say in desperation. she says something in thai to the boy behind the counter. "chai, chai" (yes, yes) he says.
i think it's all sorted. i try to relax. they leave. they laugh.

the boy motions for me to come upstairs. i follow. he has a rice steamer and an old tin can. he is stirring the wax. the woman smiles and nods and motions for me to take off my pants. i smile. i look at her, i look at him. he's still stirring the wax in the old tin can. i look at her again. she nods. i am freaking out.

i stand there. i am not smiling anymore. he turns to me. smiles, nods. "pants off please" he says in broken english. i shake my head. "it's ok, i do, i do before." oh my god. this cute boy is going to see my unruly "bikini area." i want to kill jana. what did she say downstairs?

but jana is long gone and so is my inhabition. i am in thailand afterall. so, i do the unthinkable. i take off my pants and get on the table. i lie down. i close my eyes. i think this could be the most embarrasing thing that has ever happened to me. or is it?

the wax is hot. i wince. "too hot?" he asks. "chai" i say. he blows on it slightly to cool it. he HAS done this before. still i can't believe this is me. on the table. legs spread. in only my underwear. i put my hands behind my head and take a deep breath. i whisper "jai yen yen" which literally means cool hearted, or i'm chill, chill. "you speak thai?" "mai chai" (no) i say. or do i?

monks and prostitutes

how is it that in such a beautiful country my mind wanders always to the ugliness of injustice? poor young thai women must become prostitutes to survive while the poorest young thai boys get to enter into the highest religious ranks. novice monks. they wear orange robes which makes them unmistakable. the prostitues aren't recognizable. but when i see an old white man with a young thai female i know who she is. thailand is beautiful and sad all at once. it's beauty lies in the mountains and in a million little things. the flowers. the rivers. the rice fields. the people. the rain. it's amazing this much beauty exists in one place.

i have so much more to say, but can't.

these photos will give you a peek of life here. faces, color, anne always smiling. we are having the time of our lives. i haven't laughed this much in a really long time. it feels good. we have taken a 13 hour train ride (with only one bottle of wine) to the north. we've gone to an orchid farm, we've been to many, many markets, ridden an elephant, taken one crazy bamboo raft down the river, hiked to a hill tribe, taken an all day thai cooking course, and yes, the massages.

we leave chiang mai tomorrow for the southern island of phi phi.
much more to come...

is that a rooster?

it's 2:45 am. jana and anne are sleeping in the bedroom with the air-con on (that's short for air conditioning). out in the living area my skin is sticky just sitting still. i get up to look out over the balcony and i love the way it feels to walk barefoot on the teak floor. even if my feet get black from the soot that covers everything in this city. bangkok is intruiging from up here on the 7th floor. city lights, thick air, dogs barking, and did i just hear a rooster? yes.

i'm another place.

i forgot how good it feels to be a forang (that's foreigner in thai). slightly giddy, slightly curious, and slightly more aware of myself. tomorrow i will feel the effects of the 20 hours of travel, but tonight i'm content to sit here.

being aware.

in the morning, we'll be up for yoga at 9:00, then to a place called RAW for brunch, then to an exhibit, and then off to Chiang Mai for an overnight train ride to the north of Thailand. we'll be staying at the

gap house

for the next several days. thai cooking classes, trekking, bamboo rafting, and of course the massages i've been dreaming of. sweet jasmine dreams....

firsts

my first time with a master's degree.

my first time as a "matron" of honor (in my sister's wedding).

my first trip to a radiation therapy appointment with a good friend.

my first time out on the water paddling this summer.

my first sunburn of the year.

my first trip to Thailand!

ta-da

introducing....

the amazing dwarf trout lily!

mentioned in a previous blog. extremely rare and hard to find.

sometimes life is so hard.
but it's the little things
(in this case, the really little things)
that seem to get me by.

red

today, april 25th, signifies the length of time a WOMAN has to work IN ADDITION to her regular hours to equal the pay a man makes at the SAME job, with the SAME qualifications. That means women have to work from January 1-April 25=115 days EXTRA to recieve equal pay to men for the calendar year. so, today, april 25th feminsits are asking people to wear red to show their OUTRAGE at this inequality and discrimination that STILL exists in the workforce. i'm not just wearing red...i'm seeing RED!